“The lady doth protest
too much, me thinks.”
With this famous and oft-quoted line, Shakespeare reminds us
that vehement arguments and fervent emotions are often signs of intense inner
conflicts. In such cases, our true
feelings are the opposite of what we so adamantly and publicly express. Or, as Freud suggested in analysis, to get to
the heart of the matter, start with the resistance.
This week’s Torah portion, Vayetze, tells us that Jacob hated
his Leah. Such strong words! One can understand Jacob feeling less passion
for Leah than for her younger sister, his much-beloved Rachel. But why would his adoration of Rachel create
such loathing for Leah? Perhaps Jacob’s
hatred is rooted in the circumstances of his marriages. Jacob is tricked by his father-in-law, Laban,
into wedding Leah before Rachel.
Reflecting on Jacob’s personal history, Rabbi Harold Kushner comments:
“Knowing what we know of human psychology, we can also
suspect that Jacob did, indeed, hate Leah because, by reminding him of the fraudulent
circumstances of their wedding, she reminded him of his most shameful memory,
the time he deceived his father. We
often hate people for confronting us with what we like least about ourselves.”
We often hate people
for confronting us with what we like least about ourselves. Those closest to us can act as mirrors into
our own souls—and we may react badly when we do not like what they reflect back
at us. One of the most powerful lines in
our Yom Kippur liturgy comes from a contemporary interpretation of the “Al
Chayt” confession of sins: “For condemning in our loved ones the faults we
tolerate in ourselves.” Indeed.
This week, when you find yourself feeling or acting with a
disproportionate level of emotional agitation, consider the possibility that
what you see in someone else is shining an uncomfortable light into your own
psyche. Start with the resistance. Our
reactions to those nearest and dearest to us can, with insight and effort,
become a calling to introspection and self-improvement. Jacob’s impatience with his wife’s
duplicitousness might have led him to recognize and root out his own. So, too, can our awareness of hate and anger
and fear move us to love and compassion and faith.
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